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Clarity
I see it clearly now. The universe isn’t the same, everything around me was changing but I didn’t see it. I didn’t want to see the change him but you saw it. You knew there was something different about him. That day you came to my apartment and told me about the duel, I didn’t want to believe it had come to that. I stood there for hours after you left, trying piece together any missed signs I didn’t see.
I know Anakin and I didn’t have the perfect marriage. We were apart a lot, I had my obligations in the Senate and Anakin had his duty to the Jedi Council. But it was more than that that made us fall apart. He was restless all the time, anxious...and greedy.
He wanted more power; he wanted to be the most powerful Jedi ever. Power, it was all about power. He claimed you were holding him back from his full potential but somehow I don’t believe that. I didn’t believe what you told me about him turning but now that I have this moment of clarity, I understand.
I know I’m rambling and nothing is coherent but I see now what I never wanted to see the three years I was Anakin’s wife. I’d been loosing him a little bit each day, his anger consumed him, his jealousy of you and want for more power, fueled his anger. I thought if I kept quiet and ignored the bigger issue and simply supported him, all of these things he wanted so much would go away.
In the end, I can’t understand Anakin, how power became more important to you than me. But through it all, there is one hope. My hope, our children, but in them, I also feel there is a coming darkness ahead. Obi-Wan says the children and I have to go into hiding because it isn’t safe me anymore on Coruscant.
I have officially taken my leave from the Senate and will leave with Obi-Wan, although I don’t know where we will go. I want you to be with me these last days, to be sitting beside me as I hold our children in my arms. It pains me you will not be there for them and me.
I don’t know how I can move on when I know you are gone but Obi-Wan has assured me as long as I remember you before all of this happened, the days we were happy together, it’ll comfort me and give me strength again. Anakin, I’m not strong. You always admired the strength I hold inside myself but I feel weak. I feel empty. I have no support. My only comfort is waiting for your children to arrive.
But after that, then what? What happens after that? What will happen the next day, next month, years and decades after when my children barely remember my name? I will be lost to time as you will be Anakin.
…Obi-Wan…He promised me one day when my boy was old enough, he would tell him about me. I told him my children deserve to know where they come from despite everything that happened to you and I. He is my hope now and through him, I know will live on in my children because of him.
Clarity. This letter will never reach you because you are gone but I needed this moment to reflect on my feelings. You were my clarity Anakin but I have to look for a new clarity, a new hope.
Love you always,
Padme
The End
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