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These Precious Moments
I am dying; dying from this incurable infection that has invaded my body. As I lie in bed during my last days in this galaxy, I think of you, Anakin. Ani. My Ani!
Where did you go? Why have you deserted me to follow evil? I loved you with all of my being, against all my good reason, and you failed me for it. I gave you everything and all you gave me were a few years of bliss – the memories of which are the only thing keeping me alive now.
But then, you also gave us children. Oh, my husband! If only you could see your children; these two beautiful beings that we made! Oh Ani. If only you could just see them, you would be proud. Proud of Luke’s blue eyes and blonde hair – eyes and hair just like yours. Proud of Leia’s beautiful face – strong and sweet at the same time. Proud of the way they both show their Force potential – they can sense me a room away. At least, that is what they were like when I last saw them. They are hiding now…hiding from you, there own father. I hid them, Ani, hoping against hope that their lives would not be taken by the man I once loved.
Anakin, how could you become such a murderer, that your own offspring would have to fear of you?! You were such an innocent boy when I first met you. How your mother must weep when she looks down on you now, wishing you had never been conceived to be a burden unto the universe. Or, perhaps, wishing she had kept you and spared you from this road of torture that you are now walking. For it is torture for you, isn’t it, Anakin? I know that deep down inside, you hate it, but are afraid what might happen if you stop trodding the path that you now follow. You don’t know whether you could find your way back. There is no one to guide you. You have rid yourself of everyone who might have helped you heal. And now you pay the consequences.
I am ashamed to say that I am glad you are suffering. It is not the way that a wife should feel toward her husband, I know, but I cannot help it. You have caused so much suffering, it is right that you should suffer. Hurt, Skywalker. Be miserable. Learn what it is like to be on the other side.
Sometimes, as I rest here, endearing every moment that passes, I wonder, if I had my strength back, what would I do to help relieve the suffering that has come? For now, it is just like my infection: terrible and spreading faster than it would seem possible. I used to help those who suffer. Do you remember, Ani, the only time we went to my house? We looked at my holopics, and I told you how I had helped those who were hurting. I wish I could do that now. Who would I help, though? Would I help those who you harm? Or would I dare approach you, and try to bring an end to your own suffering? No, I do not think that I would. I doubt that I could.
I didn’t use to doubt myself. But seeing you slip away- so far away - it has drained me of the self-confidence that I use to have. I used to know I could do something to help the universe. It turns out that I couldn’t even help my own husband.
I am growing weaker by the moment. I can feel the end is coming. Every breath is now a battle that I am not sure can be won. And now, I wonder, why am I committing these last conscious moments of my life to you? Do I still love you, even after all that you have done? Would I come and stand by your side, if, some how, you came back to me? I do not think that I have time to answer these questions. All I know is this: I once loved a man with all of my heart. Now he is no more.
My Ani…you used to slay monsters...
My Ani…you are the monster.
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